I just finished watching yet another Hallmark movie. You know the ones with the small hiccup about 3/4 of the way through and then the ALWAYS happy ending? Many people have questioned not only my taste but my sanity. These cheesy movies? Really?
And I say, “Yes. Really.” I NEED the uncomplicated and predictable storyline and beyond it all - I need the consistent happy ending.
It’s pretty clear that I need this because of the unpredictability that this world offers us today.
Our physical health is in jeopardy. Our emotional health is in jeopardy. Our KIDS' physical and emotional health is in jeopardy. 177,000 Americans have died from COVID. Millions of people are out of work. Civil unrest has been present in most cities across our country. Racism and discrimination are not only alive and well but are erupting in a fury of violence.
I also have had to send a kid to college and start another in high school, albeit remotely. I cannot remember having so many conflicting, complicated emotions. My high schooler lost her sports season in the spring, missed out on traveling with her friends on her club team for fall and misses out on strengthening her relationships and creating new ones. I am happy for the college kid who gets to be independent after cutting her freshman year short, but I am scared to death for her to catch this virus. No matter what positive statistics are quoted to me, I find no solace in them. Death rates are lower in this age group, but these kids are still getting very ill. Well, some are and some aren’t. We don't know who will get very ill and who wont. We don’t know who will have long term effects and who won't. This is a novel virus. So, I’m scared.
You can add anger to this list. My daughter's university is not showing particularly strong leadership, and not enforcing commonly-employed interventions that can help keep the student body safe. So, yep, add anger to the list. Anger is an uncomfortable place for me to be. But, try as I might, I feel anger too.
I might be a therapist, but I am no different than you, reader. I am human, and feeling all of these feelings at once feels like a dumpster fire in my soul. On a micro, family level, all of these feelings are present. But, I walk around with them in the pit of my stomach when I move about the world. Watching Black men get shot in the back or killed from a knee to the neck is infuriating to me. Walking around the world and seeing people not taking proper measures to keep OTHERS safe feels so sad and angering. Actually, I would use the word powerless.
I feel powerless sending my kids back to school, to their activities, with their friends, to their university. I am having to count on others to protect my family and I don’t always see it happening. I make a promise to you that I will do my part to keep your family safe. I hope and pray I have taught my children to do their part too. But I fear that my powerlessness extends to my children and what they do in public. As a psychotherapist, I hear all of these feelings reflected back to me. It is the first time in my career that I am sharing in the exact circumstances as my clients in real time.
As a country, as a society, we are experiencing trauma together. Collective trauma is a new virus that is invading us. And what will the end result be? I'm not sure. But I know that this school year, I will ask for a divine amount of grace. Grace to feel all of these feelings at once: happiness, anger, sadness, and powerlessness to name a few.
And in return, I want you to know that I hear you. I see you. And I feel you.
I have your back. Will your family have mine? Phew. That felt good.
Now…pass the popcorn and turn on the Hallmark channel.